Here I am

What is common with multiple sclerosis is that a person will experience a relapse due to a lesion on their nervous system.  

In the young ages of MS, these relapses usually heal up.  There are various ways of helping to recover from a relapse (steroids the usual, plasma for extreme/back-up).  

A MS sparkler then heals and goes into remission.  And though that is good progress, it can also be challenging, not knowing when the next relapse will strike.

Today I only did two things: attend church (in my wheelie...didnt even have to walk) and go to Starbucks to catch up with my lovely friend Natalie.  

 Such a good friend this girl is.

Two non-stressful, relaxing things.  

Yet I found myself at 5pm as if I hit a brick wall. And am still recovering.

MS can mess with you cognitively and emotionally, especially when you have brain lesions as strong as mine.  I must remember that.  It's ok to cry, even though I thought of it as a weakness before; now its more of a recognition of the life that is happening around me.  

Or so I tell myself.

I dont question why God designed for me to develop Multiple Sclerosis.  I see signs throughout my life that lead up to what is today.  And have experienced the most amazing things since being diagnosed, only confirming that I can do this.

But what I do question is why it has to be so severe.  Why is it that I'm two days short of having MS for 14 months yet have not gone into remission?  Why does my body reject everything?  Why am I "so healthy" that the drugs that can make me better make me worse?

Why cant I be a normal, boring MS sparkler?  Why cant I spend more hours promoting MS awareness instead of sitting in a chair having all my blood removed?  

Its very challenging to start this new MS life when I cant even get out of bed.  

During mass today the song "Here I am Lord" was played.  (I know I dont normally post about my faith but it is fitting as it is the rock that keeps me going despite all the let downs.  A rock I so need currently).

As I sat there, in the back of the Church, in my wheelchair, listening to the lyrics, I had to stop and hold back tears.  

Growing up, especially in my high school years, I would ask God to "lead me".  I felt it noble, encouraging.  My calling.  Yes, perhaps naive.  But apparently God still heard and answered.

Here I am....not exactly what I thought I was signing up for when I prayed those words.

But the fact that I asked God for guidance and for love gives me the hope to know that my case of Multiple Sclerosis is no accident.  I dont know why.  I may never know why.  But I trust.

I trust that my doctors will find me some relief.  I trust that I will know what steps to take next.  I trust that all the finances and bills and stress of having a chronic disease will work itself out.  I trust that life will go on and I will continue to sparkle.  I trust that Starbucks will eventually acknowledge and corporately become part of The Sparkled Life (ok...far fetch but a girl can dream). 

The Sparkled Life...day diagnosed, day released from rehab and today.  

I might have lost the tan, gained a few inches of hair, learned how to give real sarcastic faces in pictures...but I'm still me.  MS can alter my nervous system as such...but it cant take away who I am.

To MS sparklers, to MS supporters, to MS fighters...this journey is a promised one.  I have hope for you, for me, for us.

Here I am.

Love, 

 

Here I am Lord...

I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.

What I'm Learning about Friendship. Part 1.

A while ago I wrote a post on "What I know about Love, Part 1" (found here in archive: http://sparklebutonce.tumblr.com/post/31418225534/whatiknowaboutlove).  

Now, it's friendship's turn.  

I always say Part 1 because I believe these subjects (amoung many others) have continiuos lessons to be learned from. 

So cue Part 1 Friendship.

Not many things can test friendship, or even love for that matter, more than a chronic disease or disability.  No matter what occurs, things will have to change.  This I am learning.  

I mentioned the other day a movie I watched that really moved me..."A Little Bit of Heaven".  I bring it up now because I believe it shows perfectly the types of friendships that occur in cases such as this.  

Friendship can essentially can be broken down into 4 groups:

1. The "Im right next door" friendship.

This is the friend that is the doer.  The one who knows you need some swedish fish and will bring some to you asap.  The one who is going to have you just sit down, drink some chardonnay, while they prepare a huge Italian dinner.  They know your needs.  They know you're sick.  They mix the both together and make your days.

In the movie, this is the guy friend who lives next door, cooks and walks the dog whenever needed.

2. The "I'm right around the corner" friendship.

This is the friend that even though you might not text or hear from daily, you know they are there no matter what.  They'll surprise you with a little note in the mail.  They'll answer your texts with sparkly emoticons and hugs and kisses.  They know your needs when you present them to them and answer to the call when needed.

The movie doesnt really have this friend character but I felt it important to define. 

3. The "Life is the same" friendship.

These are a very beautiful friendship.  The one's who just treat you the same.  Yes, they understand the drama of the situation.  They know this is serious.  But it's not going to change anything.  In the friendship or how they perceive you.  You will always be that same, strong friend they fell in love with and will treat you the same.  Yes, there will be times in which things will need to be modified and this will be done; but in sort of a "unspoken" way.  Not ashamed way.  Just, this is the new normal way.  

In the movie this is the best friend/business partner.  She treats each day as if just like before.  Even in the last moment she is smiling and supporting her friend.   

4. The "I dont know how to do this" friendship

I've debated on what I wanted to say about friendship for a while now.  Because I've been so blessed to have friends who have gone above and beyond in the 1-3 categories.  I'm so blessed by those I'm surrounded with.  They keep me going daily.  They keep me smiling. 

But since this is my story, and thus, the backbone of my book (getting ahead of myself here), I felt it necessary to express my true feelings on all types of friendship, even those lost.  

It may come off as bitter.  Please read to the end.

This friendship is defined by the ones in my life that just couldnt handle the change.  It interferes too much with their life and they dont know how to respond.  

There is one friendship in particular.  This friendship was very dear to me, had been for over 7 years.  

The friendship was defined mostly by a 60/40 effort, me providing 60.  It's not that this friend was selifsh; it's just how it was.

So when I was diagnosed, that 60/40 went to 0/100 overnight.  And this friend "didnt know how to be the friend that I wanted".  Looking back in hinesight though, I dont think this person meant offense.

In the movie, the character's bestest and longest friend finds out that she is pregnant with baby number two the same time the main character receives her chronic diagnosis.  This friend doesnt know how to enjoy her life, handle her difficulties while also trying to support her friend.  So she disappears.  Because what else can she do?

This is almost the exact same story, minus a baby.  My friend was going through life changing experiences, both good and bad, at the same time I was diagnosed.  This friend has expressed that they didnt know how to do both; how to function their life and be in mine as well.  

I shouldnt pin-point one friend.  There have been quite a few, even a love.  

Sometimes people build their boxes and when change occurs dont know how to build around it.  Whereas others, they build as they go on in life.  

I cant deny how upset this has made me, how many tears this has brought me.  Because not only have I lost a friend(s), but it's a slap in the face that my life is so different that persons cant handle it.  I'm such a hindrance that I am cut out of lives.  It hurts. 

Everyone has their own mountains to climb.  And for some, their mountains are not this one, with me, in the sparkled life.  And I just have to accept that.  And move on.  

There is a beautiful scene in which to conclude this friendship type on.  

The main character goes to her friend's house.  The friend who didnt invite her to her baby shower ("it's complicated"), to the friend who doesnt bring dinners, doesnt sit in the park, who doesnt even open the door when it's knocking, who isnt there in the last few hours of life.  

This quote sums up what I want to say to my friends who have treated me like this:

"I'm sorry...it really hurt me when you started distancing yourself, but it's ok.  I get it.  A new baby coming and me leaving...it's not fair having to be so happy and so sad at the same time.  Our friendships is one of the best things in my life and I'm sorry I'm not going  to get to know that little boy, but I know he'll be beautiful, just like Cami (the older sister)...and please, when she get's older, tell her that I love her like she's my own."

Except I'd say the quote without babies.  (:

In summary, for this portion, I just want you to know that I'm sorry you had to choose between your life and mine.  That it got complicated.  And I'm hurt by what happened.  But I understand that again, not everyone has to climb this with me.  

In summary, for this post, I am SO thankful for all the friendship that I do have.  I am BEYOND blessed.  I look around my room, with framed pictures of memories and events, of faces and I love and love me, just the way I am.  Multiple Sclerosis and all.

And for what it is worth, prior to me realizing how important it is to be a good friend, please consider this an overall apologie for all those times I wasnt a good friend.  I am working on it. 

Love always, Eliz

Livin' on a prayer

May the fourth be with you.   

Yes, I'm a closet have seen it too many times Star Wars fan.  

Happy Saturday! So I thought I would take a moment or two and express how I am feeling.

You know that feeling after the longest day you've ever had, that included work, hobbies, family, exercise, cooking, cleaning....plus you're sick, like cant function sick.  And you lay down and just cant get up?

That's a percentage of my last few days.

I am literally living on a prayer. 

I think I can conclude that the steroids are in fact not working.  I would even go so far as to say that I'm worse off.  Yay.

Third infusion day came and went.  I have a new favorite at home nurse as she brought me a Starbucks.  Pretty fabulous.  

Mom made my day sparkly buy finding the (almost sold out) lovely blue sparkly sperrys I've had my eye on for weeks.  

The puppies have enjoyed being able to snuggle with me while being sick.  

May 2nd I celebrated my 2nd year anniversary with 3 Pillar Global (more on that later).  

Right now I am going to go watch some tv, drink some bubble water and collapse again.  

Two last things:

1. Last weekend I put a goal to get 100 likes on facebook...which we achieved!!  Can we get 200 by the end of this weekend? (we're so close!!)

https://www.facebook.com/thesparkledlife1

2. Check out and spread the news of Atom Willis, a men's fashion label that shares it's profits for MS awareness.  Love.

OpenSky: https://www.opensky.com/atom-willis/product/black-washed?osky_referral

Web-site: http://www.atomwillis.com/

"Try not. Do… or do not. There is no try.”

Love, Eliz

Celebrity care or Reality check?

This morning a nice nurse came to our house to provide at home personal care in administrating a steroid infusion of solu-medrol.

At first thought, I was excited about this choice.  We wouldnt have to drive into the hospital for a day, I could be comfty in my own home...convenience.  Princess treatment I believe I called it.  Celebrity care as I was reminded.

But then, when it actually occured, I realized I didnt like it.  Home was my safe place.  It was where I would only let those closest to me in for it was where I would allow myself to actually be MS Eliz.  You know, the one without any make-up, who spends her days in bed, drinking Starbucks, in her lovely VS yoga pants and tanks.  

And today it was invaded by no less than steroids.  Reality check.  You know you are sick when....

But the nurse was pleasant.  And the infusion went smooth.  Like always, I have yet to find relief, only side effects.  

Today these side effects are leaning more towards how much I miss my friends.  I want everyone to come over now.  If steroids can come, so can the world.  

I miss my friends, near and far.  I miss my brother and my sister.  I miss my Grandma.  I miss driving my little sports car, given to me about 5 years ago (how time flies).  I miss going to the mall.  I miss.  I just miss it.  And there is nothing I can do because I've picked the worst time to miss these people.  Finals, new jobs, new families...life is moving on and spring is busy.  People who I know would drop over in an instance cant right now.  And I just have to deal with it (and the growing fact that these emotions are in a long play due to my drugs) and wait just a few more weeks.  Maybe then I will be human and alive again.

Regardless, I survived day two.  We left the IV in which is weird also, being that I'm sleeping in my own bed with a needle in my arm.  But given the fact my nerves are tricky, best solution.  

Final answer: I'm going with celebrity care.  Especially since I wore my new local celebrity LA shirt today.  "The best things in life are love".

Amen to that.

Love, Eliz

Medicine fail

Hello dear sparklers!

I left the blog post the other day in a ... statement as I had just found out some news from the doctor that wasnt so lovely.

The doctor had called to let me know my blood result came in positive for a JC virus antibody.  What this means (in so not medical terms) is that the medicine I was being infused with, Tysabri, is now being attacked by my body.  My body is creating little cell-men that arent alowing Tysabri to do it's thing.  It is rising against it.

There is a silver lining: at least we know something.  

The hardship is again there is a medicine that doesnt work.  Again I have to go through the process of determining what to do next.  Again I have to start over. 

The great thing about Tysabri is that it really helps with lesions in the brain, where my most active and serious ones are.  That is another frustrating point for I dont believe there is another medicine that not only helps slow down the progression but also helps heal lesions.  Which is why we were so hopeful and took the risk with Tysabri.

All to find out that my body is rejecting it.

It's funny in a way.  I had all the tests that could be done the past week.  And everything came back normal range.  I'm a healthy 26 year old woman.  

Im so healthy in fact that I have an EXTREME immune system.  

So extreme that it attacks my own body (hence creating MS). 

So extreme that it attacks foreign objects (medicine to help with MS).  

It's funny and then it's not.  It doesn't make sense.  

All this is another awkening as to why we need more research, more medicine and a cure.  

No person should be perfectly "healthy" by all standards but spend days in bed, napping and not moving.  

MS needs to be more of a cause.  It needs to be more of a movement.  And that is why I am so open about my experience, just for these reasons.  Also to let other MS sparklers know that "you're not alone!".

Where we go from here...for the next week or so I am to journey my day to day symptoms and such.  Then end of April we will meet and discuss and turn to new plan.

It's been a year.  I'm running out of options.  Which is why the help to promote the orange of MS awareness is SO important.  

Keep fighting on Sparklers!!

PS: On a side note, Mom is doing well and healing. She is finding the use of my old walker quite useful and is getting up and around a few times a day.  Progress!

Love, Eliz