I feel like my life the past 20 months has been a run-down of the song "Cotton-Eyed Joe"
Where did you come from, where did you go? ....over and over and over again.
Where did this new life come from? Where did my old life go? Oh damn you Cotton-Eyed Joe.
Now that I'm back alive and in the world again I've come to remember a few things forgotten in months past:
1. People stare at the third leg or the wheelchair. Most likely they think or assume it was an accident. Little do they know the invisible marks of this awful disease.
2. MS does not like heat.
3. Shopping is so much harder than it should be.
4. I really love cycling.
5. The over-bearing question: What am I going to do with my life?
Ever since I was 15 I had a strong mind and will on what I was going to be when I grew up. From first woman President to owning my own Higher Education Consulting company to being on the front end of technology, I had lived various careers lives but they all had the same thread in common: determination and fortunately, success.
For 10 years I worked hard in life. I met a lot of people, experienced the best things, made the best relationships, learned from the hardest mistakes, had a vibrant career with an expandable income, lived in various apartments and houses-making each a home.
I no longer made answers to the question "What do I want to be when I grow up?" because I was, in some ways, grown up and loved the life I was living. I knew the qualities I wanted for the future and could see the paths to them lining up perfectly.
Then like a perfect storm, it all vanished.
The hard thing is, I still want those same qualities for my future: the successful career, the homestyle country house with wrap around porch, the 5 series BMW, a kid or two, the husband who plans trips and vacations and outdoor concert festivals.
The thing is, those paths that were lining up so perfectly arent so perfect any more. Im left with myself having to seriously answer the question "What are you going to be when you grow up?". And the harder one, "How are you going to get there?"
What am I going to do with my life? There are so many paths I could take, that are available and I am thankful I can still see that, even in a disgruntle state.
The problem is (and this is where the princess in me comes out), they are hard paths. Well goodness, life is hard, so much harder for me, now. Everything comes at a higher price, at a higher token.
This thought process, of answering the question, determining what path to take, realizing the price that will have to be paid is daunting. Overwhelming.
So much that, as the title suggests, I end up taking the route that is so not grown-up like: I nap. (Naps fix everything).
Fortunately right now I dont have to answer that question with specifics. I can coast on the line of still recovering (heck its only been two weeks since I was in rehab). I can take the time to heal, to vacation, to recoup. But eventually I will have to "grow-up". And I hope that the higher price paid equals beautiful return.
With all this said, a friend brought to my attention a wonderful article that put life into a great perspective for me, thus the love to share.
5 Unique Ways to Forgive and Let Go: http://www.marcandangel.com/2013/07/07/5-unique-ways-to-forgive-and-let-go/ (really its a 5 step how to live life more awesomely...worth the few minutes to read!!)
Step 1 hit it right on the head:
There is great value within you right here, right now. Allow it to come
out, willingly and without a struggle. Instead of trying to get to
some other point in your life, give your full attention to doing your
very best with the life you are living now. Instead of believing that
you are not there yet, be grateful that you are right where you are
meant to be at this moment.
Amen!!
Love and happy napping,
PS: Say a little prayer for the youngest of my brothers John who fell at Summer Camp and had to get some stitches. Last summer boiling water spelt on his foot at the same Summer Camp. He spent the past few weeks talking about how excited he was to make up for last summer's losses with his twin Kevin. Fortunately, twins are great for times like these and they will finish out the week together. Gotta love them (and miss them...its only been two days!).