Thank goodness for Urban Dictionary. Otherwise I would have no idea what the cool kids were saying these days.
I came across the below picture the other day, which obviously I related to.
Except I had no idea what a Spoonie was. Someone who liked to spoon?
Wrong. A spoonie is in fact a person living with a chronic illness.
Spoonies are people that live with chronic illness; theoretically
measuring personal daily abilities much as one would measure the proper
amount of spoons needed for an event or occasion... sometimes having an
abundance, other times coming up short.
Yep. That's my life. I am a full blown, 100%, no other definition needed, Spoonie.
Shoot.
I've had MS for 16 months now. I'm by most standards doing much better than I was a year ago, 6 months ago, even 6 weeks ago. I can drive, talk, walk with just 1 arm crutch and even wear a wedged heel.
So why is that I find having a chronic illness harder to accept as each day passes by?
I was so sick for such a long time that I was distracted on being sick and how to get better. Now that I am getting better, the emotions surrounding this realization of my life have to be met. And explained. And dealt with.
It's daunting to me that I will be sick for the rest of my life. Chronic. Forever.
Today at the pool I was watching a grandmother hold her grandson. It's brutal to realize the reality of the fact I cant hold a baby. My hands are not secure enough, there is too much of a risk. Even if I could, how do I hold a baby and walk with my arm crutch and carry the diaper bag and bottles and stroller?
How do you accept that? Can you even? Or do you just keep on moving on because life is too beautiful to stop and dwell on the hardships?
It takes a person with MS 10 times more energy to do a task, sometimes more. (Side note: stay tuned to my Top 10 Items That Make Life Easier post). Which means that even while "better", I can still only complete a low percentage of items that the every day person can achieve. And there is nothing that will help this; its just the way life has become.
I suppose that is how you learn to deal: acceptance. I have to accept the fact that my life will be forever challenged. I have to accept that I wont be able to do things the "normal" way. I have to accept that I cannot compare my life to others because its impossible for me to even compete at that level.
Acceptance is hard. Especially when you are stubborn. Or you dont like the path that now you have to accept.
On top of that, there is a fine line between acceptance and giving up. When do you accept and when do you stop fighting? And though they are similar, acceptance can be in it's very essence the opposite of giving up. By accepting that I have a chronic disease and am limited, I can then move on and live life to the fullest. I can show MS who is boss and kick some butt.
So while other fabulous women get to accept their destinies of motherhood, career professionals, high-heeled wearing nights on the town, I will be here accepting my destiny of being a Spoonie.
At least I'm cool enough to be defined on Urban Dictionary.
To all the Spoonies!!
Love,
